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| Cars |
INSULTS |
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| Music | |||
| Insults | |||
| Cartoons | Appearance | ||
| TrashTalk | 1. | Is that your nose, or are you eating a banana? | |
| Contact | 2. | Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday. | |
| PopRealm | 3. | Hey, don't you need a license to be that ugly? | |
| ExotikCars | 4. | How can you love nature, when it did that to you? | |
| GT2 | 5. | See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome. | |
| Guns | 6. | You're so ugly, you almost look like your mother did, before the operation. | |
| 7. | You're so ugly, when you looked out the window, you got arrested for mooning. | ||
| 8. | I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly. | ||
| 9. | Every girl has the right to be ugly, but I'm afraid you've abused the privilege. | ||
| 10. | If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents libel. | ||
| Intelligence | |||
| 1. | I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day. | ||
| 2. | I would ask you how old you are, but I reckon you can't count that high. | ||
| 3. | I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance. | ||
| 4. | What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity. | ||
| 5. | When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head. | ||
| 6. | Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained. | ||
| 7. | Your verbosity is exceeded only by your total stupidity. | ||
| 8. | If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid. | ||
| 9. | I'm blonde. What's your excuse? | ||
| 10. | If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. | ||
| Overweight | |||
| 1. | Fat? You're not fat, you're just. Oh, hell, OK. You are fat. Very fat indeed, in fact. | ||
| 2. | Hey, I remember you when you only had the one stomach. | ||
| 3. | She's got more chins than the Hong Kong telephone book | ||
| 4. | You're so fat that when you jumped up, you got stuck. | ||
| 5. | She's so fat, she has the only car in town with stretch marks. | ||
| 6. | I see you were so impressed with your first chin that you added two more. | ||
| 7. | You don't sweat much for such a fat guy. | ||
| Pick Up, Put Downs | |||
| 1. | Man:
I'd like to call you. What's your number? Woman: It's in the phone book. Man: But I don't know your name. Woman: That's in the phone book too. |
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| 2. | Man:
Haven't we met before? Woman: Yes, I'm one of the nurses at the VD clinic. |
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| 3. | Man:
I'd go through anything for you. Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account and credit cards. |
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| 4. | Man:
Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there any more. |
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| 5. | Man:
Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. |
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| 6. | Man:
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Woman: Waiting for some idiot like you to come along and bore me to tears with pathetic lines. |
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| 7. | Man:
Your place or mine? woman: Both. You're going to yours, and I'm going to mine. |
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| 8. | Man:
So what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. |
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| 9. | Man:
Can I buy you a drink? Woman: Thanks, I'll have champagne. Leave it at the bar for me and I'll pick it up later. |
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| 10. | Man:
Your body is like a temple. Woman: There are no services today. |
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| 11. | Man:
I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Wonderful Will you stay there, too? |
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| 12. | Man:
I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone. |
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| 13. | Man:
I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap, nasty gifts. |
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| 14. | Man:
I can tell that you want me. Woman: You're so right. I want you to go away. |
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| Insults - Japanese | |||
| 1 | Baka yaro | Stupid bastard | |
| 2 | Busu | Extremely ugly girl | |
| 3 | Minikui | Ugly | |
| 4 | Okama | Faggot | |
| 5 | Kuso | Shit | |
| 6 | Yurizoku | Lesbian | |
| 7 | Urusai, Kono Bakayaro | Shut up, you noisy idiot | |
| 8 | Ketsunoana | Asshole | |
| 9 | Onara atama | Fart head | |
| Insults - Cantonese | |||
| 1. | Pok Gai | Go Die in the street | |
| 2. | Sek Si | Eat Shit | |
| 3. | Hum Gah Chan | Death to your family! | |
| 4. | Lun-Yeung | Dickface | |
| 5. | Lun Tao | Dickhead | |
| Insults - Korean | |||
| 1. | Ssibal seki | Son of shit | |
| 2. | Ja shick | You are a bastard | |
| 3 | Dong-mogo | Eat shit | |
| MAD ASS JOKES | |||
| Rabbit And The Bear | |||
| There
was a bear and a rabbit.
Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. |
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| Mr.
Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two
wishes that he could have had for himself, Shaking his head, Mr. Bear
made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females
as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
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| Birdy | |||
| One
day, a little girl was walking along the beach and saw a naked man.
Looking down, she asked the man, "What's that?" "It's my bird," the man replied. "Well, can I play with it?" "Only if you go and ask your mom first," he answered. Hearing this, the little girl ran home to her mother and asked her, "Mommy, can I play with a man's bird?" The mother, thinking it was a normal bird, replied, "Okay, honey." When the girl got back to the beach, the man was sleeping. When the man woke up he found himself lying in a hospital bed with the girl standing beside him. Confused, he asked her, "What happened?" The girl promptly replied, "Well, when I was playing with your bird, he spit on me, so I bit off his head, cracked his eggs and burnt his nest." |
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| Country Breakfast | |||
| A
little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother
asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little
boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" |
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| Punk Parrot Boy | |||
| One
day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later, a punk kid with
the red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old
man keeps staring at him. The kid looks at him and says, "What you
staring at old man, ain't you ever done anything wild in your
time?" The old guy replies, "Yeah I fucked a parrot once. I was just wondering if you were my kid?" |
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| Babies | |||
| A
young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it
true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place
where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?" |
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| What Am I? | |||
| This
useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches in length. It's
function is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung,
dangling loosely and ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of
little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. When used,
it is inserted -- almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes
quickly -- into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and
drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What am I??As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own... toothbrush |
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| Moving Out | |||
| One
day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him
a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said,
"Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me
to buy you a bicycle?!? Wait until Christmas!" Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....' "And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!" |
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| Wrong Synonyms | |||
| It
is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the
arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running
around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the
washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is
there she yells "shit" when she accidently gets makeup in her
eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie,
what does shit mean?" The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for makeup dear." Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father. The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what fuck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a turkey." The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying "Hello grandma and grandpa, mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey..." |
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| Goofy | |||
| Mickey
Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said,
"Mickey, I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of
insanity. Minnie seems quite sane." Mickey said, "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy!" |
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